Sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...

Love in the Land of Losers...

I have felt pretty fantastic for the last two weeks. I even started a diet this week and forced myself to actively look for a date (going somewhere alone and being in the general company of single men—see previous post).

And randomly I feel sad today. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been, for whatever reason, thinking about him waaaay more than usual lately. I’m not sure what provoked this but it sucks. For the last few mornings I wake up thinking about him and it doesn’t stop.  I just want to move on and be over this. I feel like I’m continually struggling and obsessing. I feel embarrassed. I feel like a freak of nature and I’ve completely convinced myself that anybody I meet will feel exactly the same way. I literally feel like I have some sort of disease that makes me completely unapproachable. At some point, I was emotionally stunted and have the capacity to handle lifestyle changes comparable to a 13 year old—which incidentally matches up perfectly with my relationship experience.  I’ve never felt so immature and abnormal. How does one make it through life like this? What key element did I miss out on? Gaaaaa! I feel like a total wreck today. I still cannot convey how thankful I am for the one moment of clarity I had to erase his phone numbers and e-mails from everything I own (though I have to say the desire to beat down his door and beg him to take me back does not seem to be relenting as I’d hoped). I miss his little pup and all of these tiny stupid things that make me sooo sad. The most ridiculous part is that  I don’t even know why they are making me sad!

 I’m terrified by the thought of starting over again and having to share all of that stuff. The whole perfectly orchestrated reveal. I just can’t stand the thought. It makes me physically ill. I won’t even let myself think of what happens if I do all of that revealing and then it doesn’t work out—again.

Man Shopping

If I'm really going to meet the man of my dreams at the grocery store, I decided that I should probably stop eating Basic 4 for dinner and actually grocery shop. So, I did. Three grocery stores and $150 later and still no date. On the bright side, I do have the world's largest collection of fresh produce (that will no doubt cause other problems later) and did catch the eye of not one, but two different cart boys. Oh yeah, I've hit it big.

I'm not sure single, straight men even grocery shop. I saw a ton of married guys (including one who quizzed me for an hour on what his wife meant when she said she needed salad ingredients for a crowd--dear God, I sincerely hope he was just lazy and not really that clueless). There also seemed to be a cornucopia of women and children (really, all colors and sizes) and a gaggle (sorry, running out of quantifying lingo) of gay men. Gay men buying orange juice, gay men picking out nectarines, gay men sampling cheese...grrr...

I'm starting to wonder if the man of my dreams will ever drop a can of creamed corn on my foot and ask me for my number. I guess there's only one thing left to do: continue shopping... I hit up new markets like exclusive clubs, spend hours on understated, sexy grocery store looks, and buy gobs of fresh produce--daily.

Maybe I should have a couple of cocktails before I go the next time? Creamed corn always seems much sexier when you've had a few martinis...

Well, off to the book store (my next non-bar attempt to meet men) where I'll have to pretend I don't already own two of everything there, and wander aimlessly until I stumble upon some unsuspecting stranger reading a discount Hemmingway.

At this rate, I'll spend the next 30 years trying to pay off my man shopping habit. I think American Express makes a card exclusively for that purpose: The Platinum Man Shopper Rewards Card. With frequent dating points--redeemable at all participating locations excluding Guam and Puerto Rico.

I love the 80s... more when I can make fun of them

80s Survey

Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
Listen no. Obsess, most def. I think I spent the better half of my early twenties (uhhh...I mean 6th grade) thinking about how it would be possible to marry NKTOB in its entirety.

Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
Yes, however mine was purchased 2nd hand, at a garage sale, roughly 6 mos. after they'd gone out of style. Oh yeah, and one end stuck straight out and didn't curl around my wrist.

The Babysitter's Club or Sweet Valley High?

BSC all the way. Claudia, the artist, was my favorite. I also identified with her because I thought I was an adopted Asian kid for most of my adolescence.

Salute Your Shorts or Hey Dude?
Hey dude was cool. Salute your shorts had that creepy red head.

Kids Incorporated or The Mickey Mouse Club?
Even then, I had the good sense to hate Britney Spears. Eh. I watched heavier programming like Face the Nation.

Did you want Dylan to end up w/ Brenda or Kelly?
I wanted Dylan to stop crying and put on a dress already. Seriously, what a vagina.

Who was ALF?
He ate cats, right? Melmac-- what?

Do you remember the show Dinosaurs?
Oh yeah. They should totally bring that one back.

Do/did you know the words to the Fresh Prince theme song?
What aspiring young rapper growing up in the ghetto doesn't?

Kimmie Gibler or Urkel?
Gibler and Urkel were out of control. I remember being totally pissed that they would make the world think all nerds were annoying. Some of us were quiet--just sitting in the back of the caf. picking our retainer our of the mashed taters.

Blossom or Clarissa Explains It All?
WOAH! Although, mad props to Clarissa for putting that ladder outside of her window. I'm thinking about having one installed myself.

Did you have a crush on JTT?
Heck yes. I knew one day Home Improvement would tank and he'd finally respond to my marriage proposals. Too bad it went into syndication. Loser never calls anymore. I'm  totally crushin' on Ben Savage now.

Bobby Brown or Tevin Campbell?
New Edition rocked my world.

Step By Step or Full House?
D.J.'s leg warmers were the bomb. 

Did you listen to Milli Vanilli?
I had their poster. The one where they're wearing lycra leggings and blazers. HOTT!

Mr. Rogers or Reading Rainbow?
Take a look it's in a book...  I was a nerd in training so Lamar was my hero.

Did you own a Glo Worm?
Yes, but sometimes it got hot and burned my face while I was sleeping. I still have a little segment imprint burned into my forehead.

Paula Abdul: better now or then?
Never. Ever.

Wild 'n' Crazy Kids or Double Dare?
Double Dare. I liked to watch Mark Sommers squirm when his OCD kicked in and he started daring the kids to mop up the giant sunday. Hahahaha.

Remember Legends of the Hidden Temple?
Eh?

The Mighty Ducks or The Little Giants?
I had an early crush on Joshua Jackson. I recognized his devilish good looks looong before Dawson's Creek.

Did you watch Saved By The Bell?
Twice a day. The early (Good Morning, Ms Bliss) and then the College Years.

Who was hotter: Zack or Slater / Kelly or Jessie?
Zack. I think it was the 7' cell phone and acid washed jeans.

Did you own a pair of Reebok Pumps?
I had a pair of Dance Reebok's--the girl version and my only pair of name brand shoes--that I wore until they fell apart.

Carebears or Smurfs?
Carebears.

Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
Yo, I had the SS hookup. The wallpaper,  the comforter (with convenient doll pocket), and all of the girls. Even the creepy wizard.

Did you watch Miami Vice?
Don Johnson was the man. I still secretly want a cigarette boat.

Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
Isn't that why they made Gold Bond?

Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
My mom tried to make me one out of contact paper with butterflies. It had a matching lunch box. After that, I mostly hid in my locker.

Atari or Nintendo?
We were the last ones on the block to get a Nintendo. We had like one game and I think I slept with the controller in my hand for the first month

Hang up the phone...

Nobody needs to call suicide watch. I had a good cry and feel much better. Still sad and pissed but a little less desperate and definitely not sobbing anymore. My sis is the bomb. Thanks also to Jill for the words of encouragement. Sometimes, I just have a bad day and today was it. yuck.

I'm not totally crazy and in fact, I sat down to download these pics when I started typing the last blog. Ooops. I made dinner yesterday and it looked so great I had to post them. :) Emily would be proud.

The Menu:

Roasted Chicken

Cuscus

Zucchini Squash sauted in olive oil with crushed black pepper and sea salt

Roasted artichoke and tomato salad

Red Wine

Mmmmm.....

 The full menu.

Cuscus

 Roasted chokes and tomatoes (my fav)

Mmmm...zucchini

 How is it that I'm single again?